


Do Us Part

by Picpicpic



Category: Chicago Fire
Genre: Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friends to Lovers, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Nightmares, Pining, Post-Canon, post 5x22, post trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-29
Updated: 2018-09-29
Packaged: 2019-07-20 06:17:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 16,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16131404
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Picpicpic/pseuds/Picpicpic
Summary: The factory fire in 5X22 was a hard one. But worse than the physical effects, it forcefully ripples through the relationships of two members of house 51. Making them or breaking them. A Sevasey story.*** I've added a new chapter that was missing until now (Sep18) - Chapter 10: COME UNDONE. ***





	1. Radio 3

**Author's Note:**

> I suppose most of you know this story, which is why I'm posting it as a whole instead of a wip... mainly to have it in the archive... 
> 
> *** Newly added Chapter 10: COME UNDONE. is on the smutty side, so if you're not into that, just skip over it. ***
> 
> DISCLAIMER: All Characters of House 51: Boden, Casey, Capp, Clarke, Cruz, Dawson, Hadley, Herrmann, Mouch, Otis, Severide, Shay, belong to the creators of Chicago Fire.
> 
> This story portrays a gay relationship,  
> if you're uncomfortable with such content, please don't read further.

**1 | RADIO 3 (5x22)**

_“Severide? Can you hear me?”_

_“Yes, Case, I’m here.”_   To say he was surprised at Matt’s sudden address to him was an understatement. Stranded in a burning building, hearing Matt talk to Gabby, say his goodbyes over the radio, was heartbreaking beyond anything Kelly had ever experienced. Trying to find his way out of the building, he didn’t even have the time to think what losing Matt would mean to him, and then suddenly, Matt’s voice was calling his name over the radio. A wave of nausea floods him so badly, he has to stable himself against a wall.

 _“_ _Kelly,”_ Matt’s voice is barely audible over the roar of the flames, _“turn to channel 3.”_

As his fingers automatically move to the radio, his mind yells at him to avoid changing channels at all cost. Only pain can come of that, hearing Matt say goodbye. But his fellow firefighter, the firefighter he trusts most in the world, the person he values most, his closest friend, had asked him to listen, in what he thinks are his last moments in life. Can he really ignore that? What if Matt isn’t saying goodbye, but rather wants to try and figure a way out, a bold, stupidly heroic attempt to get out, can Kelly ignore that? It all flashed through his mind in seconds, before his fingers knowingly turn the switch.

 _“Kelly? Kelly?”_ he can hear Matt calling for him, waiting for his response on channel 3.

_“I’m here, Matt.”_

_“Kelly,”_ he can hear the relief in Matt’s voice, followed by a sudden panic. _“Where are you? are you okay? Did you get out? Do you have a way out?”_

_“Not yet. You?”_

_“No, I can’t. Kelly,”_

_“Matt,”_

_“You have to get out, you have to find a way, fight,”_

_“So do you, Matt, they’re all wai-”_

_“I love you, Kelly. You’re my brother, my family, my best friend,”_

_“Matt, don’t do this,”_

_“Kelly, listen to me. Don’t give up. Promise me you won’t give up. Even without me. You deserve happiness, Kelly. You’ll find it, just don’t give up.”_

_“Matt,”_

_“Promise me,”_

_“No.”_

_“Kelly,”_

_“No. I can’t promise that and you can’t give up. Find a way, Matt, dig, break, crank, find a fucking way, and meet me outside this goddamn building, because I’m not losing you today. I’m not losing you. I don’t deserve this,”_

_“No, you don’t, Kelly, you deserve good, and happiness and love. You’re a beautiful soul, Kelly, I’m sorry I couldn’t give you what you deserve.”_

_“No, Matt, you-“_

_“Get out of this building, Kelly, that’s my last wish, get out of this building and take care of Gabby for me. I’m sorry.”_ With that the line went silent, leaving Kelly heavy-hearted, broken and angry. Following Matt’s actions, he eventually returns to channel 1, where desperate orders and frantic updates of fellow firefighters can be heard. 


	2. DO US PART (Kelly)

**2 | DO US PART (Kelly)**

For three weeks after that god awful fucking factory fire, Kelly Severide sat by the hospital bed. The only times he’d leave Matt’s room during visiting hours, were for short periods while Gabby was visiting. But he wouldn’t go home. He wouldn’t eat. He wouldn’t talk to anyone, except Matt, lying comatosed on the hospital bed. When visiting hours were over he’d be kicked out and camp himself in the waiting room, on the chair closest to the door.

Having taken an unlimited furlough, he refused to explain himself to the chief. Soon the hospital staff got used to his ghost-like presence; He was never in the way, never loud or angry, only worried. His eyes, two glazed orbs of worry and despair. It was as if the fight had left him, life had left him, or rather, life was sleeping unconscious in the bed in room 201. A week in, it took Dr Charles’ threats and persistence to get Kelly to share his lunch and eat something. They’d sit in silence on two sides of Matt’s bed, nibbling on a sandwich, Kelly’s eyes never leaving Matt, while dr. Charles curiously studied Severide.

.

 _“Matt,”_ he’d whisper when they were alone, stroking Matt’s hair, the rest of the sentence going silently through his head.

 _“Matt,”_ At times, he wasn’t even sure what it is he meant to say, he’d hold on to the name as a buoy in deep waters.

“ _Matt_ ,” he’d lay his head on Matt’s arm as if by osmosis Matt would wake up. 

Kidd came by and brought him changes of clothes, but he wouldn’t talk to her. Wouldn’t let her hold him or come too near. With Dr Charles’ blind eye, he’d take quick showers in the en-suite meant for Matt, only to nod his thanks to the doctor as he took his seat aside Matt again. But he wouldn’t answer the doctor’s questions.

.

 _“He’s the last one left,”_ was all he mumbled, holding Matt’s hand on day 21, as Charles was leaving the room. But he wouldn’t explain what he meant.

 .

And then, on day 22, something changed. It began, with a beeping of machines, and a change in the monotone rhythm of the air coursing through Matt’s still body. The doctors rushing in to attend to Matt, Kelly stood back, silently following their faces and words. When a calm hum returned to the room, a nurse explained satisfied _:  
“He’s breathing on his own. That’s good. That’s a first step to waking up.”_ She patted Severide’s arm and left the room, not noticing all colour leaving his face.

Afraid to come close again, Kelly stands in the corner, watching carefully for any change. His eyes skimming Matt’s body and the screens above, learning the new measures to notice a difference. But nothing changes. Twenty-five minutes Kelly stands there, petrified, before he takes his chair again, not daring to touch Matt.

It was hours before anything else happened. He’d thought he’d imagined it at first. In the late afternoon, he thought he’d seen Matt’s fingers twitching. Ever so lightly, like delicate branches in a light breeze, like a feathered tail of a hopping bird. He watched it in awe and excitement, though a desolate feeling grows inside him. Then Matt’s eyes began to move under his closed eyelids and a tiny, pained groan escaped his lips. It’s then Kelly pressed the emergency button, calling in a nurse. Without words he pointed to Matt, the nurse eyes following the little changes, hopeful signs of a slow awakening.

 _“He’s waking up,”_ she chirps lightly, _“I’ll go get the doctor and ring his wife.”_ She says as she fumbles with the patient chart, _“will you stay? He shouldn’t be alone when he comes to.”_ But when she turns around, to find Kelly’s eyes in question, he’s gone.


	3. DO US PART (Matt)

**3 | DO US PART (Matt)**

He was gone.

Somehow, somewhere through the fog, in the short intervals when his conscious floated up and almost through the heavy blanket, Matt could feel him; there, just beyond the impenetrable haze. Kelly Severide. He was always there, but Matt wasn’t strong enough to throw the mist and communicate with him. He could just feel him. And it felt safe. And warm. And when he muttered Matt’s name, it was as if Matt could hear the rest of the words floating in his mind. And when Kelly’s lip touched his arm and his hair and once even his cheek, it was like a balm to his skin, a tiny relief to the otherwise unrelenting pain coursing through his body. But when he’d finally managed to fight the fog and fight the pain and break the surface, hoping to see Kelly, to relieve him of the worry and sadness he could hear in his voice, Kelly was gone.

Gone. It was as if the air was sucked out of the room with him.

 _“Kelly?”_ he tried to mumble once, but it came out lame and broken and intangible.

And then there was a flood of doctors and nurses and Dawson and tears. And later silence and tests and questions and pain, so much pain. But there was no Kelly.

.

The days went by, there were skin grafts and antibiotics and some more pain. There was talk of a burnt trachea and black lungs, there were endless questions and tests and medications and nurses. He had a god-awful catheter that hung down in the most embarrassing way, and hardly any voice to express his feelings and his fears. But there was no Kelly, and that scared him more than anything.

Ten days after waking up, he was able to receive visitors, other than his wife and sister. So he saw the smiling faces of truck and squad and some other CDF men and women, smiling back silently, nodding and shaking his head in answer. But the one face he wanted to see, needed to see, was not there. Was never there. And when he quickly got tired, he was grateful for the blissful darkness of sleep, where he didn’t have to be confronted with the absence of Kelly Severide. Because it hurt, more than any of his injuries. It hurt as if they’d taken a lung, and he was left open, trying for a fill of air, and coming always short of what his body needed. And it hurt because he didn’t understand. 

.

He was sure Kelly was by his side when he was out, he just couldn’t understand why he wasn’t now he’d regained consciousness. And no one could explain it to him. With his hoarse barely-existent voice, he’d asked over and over again. Kelly’s name falling from his lips and question filling his eyes. But all he got was lowered eyes and small shakes of the head.

At first, he’d thought something had happened, that Kelly had not survived the fire, that Kelly was injured or, worse, gone. The thoughts and fear sent him into a panic attack, forcing the doctors to sedate him before he got any explanation. Then, slowly, Gabby related some information, though Matt could not make sense of it. She confirmed Matt’s feeling, that Kelly was there throughout Matt’s coma, revealing to him the extent of Kelly’s devotion: he wouldn’t move, he wouldn’t talk to anyone, he’d taken an unlimited furlough from work. But when Matt finally woke up, Kelly stayed away. Matt could hear the confusion in Gabby’s voice as she explained what she knew. After disappearing for two days, he went back to work, taking on extra shifts. He worked as much as he could, sometimes spending the night between shifts in the firehouse as well. On shift, he’d only talk shop, holding everyone at arms-length and closing himself off to any private conversation. It just wasn’t the same Severide. He was 100% professional, 0% personal. And there were rumours he’s was thinking about changing shifts and even more rumours about him thinking about giving up his position and changing houses. But he wasn’t talking to any of them, so nobody knew for sure.

And Matt lay there, in bed, helpless, not because of his injuries but because of the hole gapped through his life, through him, at the sudden disappearance of Kelly Severide. His friend, his best friend, his co-worker, his partner, the firefighter he trusted most in the world, the person who knew him best, that he knew best, that he could reach and calm without a word, whose mere presence meant security even when they were at odds with each other, the man that he’d been through so much with, everything really, that they never needed to ‘figure things out’ or ‘learn anew’, they always just were, even when they were at each other’s throats with accusations. It was because they knew, and they were secure in that knowledge. As he lay there, trying Kelly’s phone again and again and getting only his voice mail, the thoughts came coursing through his mind, one word playing through his head, as he turned it over and over, trying to understand how it suddenly fit to everything that was Kelly Severide, and how dumb he’d been in his resistance of it. LOVE.

He remembers he’d said it, at that last moment, on the radio, before he ran out of oxygen and everything went dark – he’d told Kelly as ordered him to survive – _“I love you, Kelly. You’re my brother, my family, my best friend,”._ But it wasn’t enough. Telling him, staying alive, surviving, waking up - none of it was enough to keep Kelly with him. Kelly had made his choice. Kelly was gone. He’d left. Left him.


	4. OF TWO MINDS

**4 | OF TWO MINDS**

It’s 9½ weeks before the penny drops on Casey. Preparing for date night with Gabby, he’s babbling to fill the odd silence that resonates between them since the fire, when she suddenly blurts out a pained plea, _“Don't ever say goodbye to me again.”_

Looking into her eyes, he can see the fear, the anxiety, hear it in her voice and ragged breath. He wants to comfort her, and reassure her, and return what he’d taken with those few words, repay her for the love and support she’d given him, love her as she deserves. But through it all, another face suddenly comes to his mind, another pair of eyes, a different, deeper, masculine voice, telling him the same thing. And as he comes to comfort Gabby, mumbling promises he knows are out of his control, his mind reels with someone else and with realization why Kelly Severide had severed all connections.

Dinner was awkward, and the sex afterwards even more so. Though she had voiced what was eating at her, and he’d given her the reassurance she needed, they both felt it to be… off. They went through the motions, they took comfort in their familiarity, they used one another to turn their minds off and disappear. But when they came down and dressed, they both felt empty and lying and guilty.

It goes on like that for a while, their relationship tucked under the routine of duty and work. Gabby takes more shifts at Molly’s, working late into the night, while Matt piles on construction work before the winter, coming home aching and exhausted. They don’t talk about the goodbye anymore. They don’t talk about the possibility and fear of losing one another. In fact, they talk less and less altogether, and the gap between them grows, while one unspoken name constantly hangs silently between them. His absent presence never leaving Matt’s mind.

 ...

Three months after the factory fire, Dawson moves out. At first, they keep it quiet, a respectful distance escorting them through their shifts. Though it hurts, and they’re angry, it’s mostly at themselves, ashamed of their inability to hold on to each other. The realization that their love is not enough, that something, or rather someone, is missing, cutting roughly into their bond. Somehow, somewhat out of character, they succeed in remaining civil with one another, and if any member of the house notices a difference, they keep it to themselves. For a while Gabby stays with her dad, a silent retribution for the time he’d spent on her couch, until one day, Kidd corners her in the locker room and levels it at her, ironically yielding further to the house curse to move in with each other.

Kelly Severide, on the other hand, remains absent.

While Casey was out recuperating, Kelly remained on shift 1, pulling as many double shifts as possibly allowed, and remaining a clip-strict lieutenant with his men. Then, just before Casey came back on duty, Kelly swapped shifts, switching his position with the Squad lieutenant on shift 3, avoiding any crossing paths between him and Casey. Adding to that, he’d recently accepted a teaching position on a 6-weeks cross-country instruction team, exchanging knowledge of the new systems and technics available at firehouses across the nation, so, he’s very seldom even in Chicago.

Only once did they cross paths, lay eyes on each other. Neither daring to break the distance and come close. One day, while off shift but preparing for his trip, Severide comes out of the firehouse, as Matt comes up the driveway, dropping something off for the chief. They stop in their tracks as they catch each other from two sides of the driveway. Two pairs of blue eyes, big and anxious, they study each other from a distance. Matt can see the changes in Kelly. He’s thinner but more solid, if that’s even possible, his beautiful face creased with worry lines around his eyes. He looks, _detached_ , Matt thinks, but even though his mask is hard, his eyes scream confusion and longing at Matt, as he takes in his features.

The last time Kelly saw Matt, he was just waking up from a long coma. Now, he stands before him, as though nothing has happened. His hair is shorter, Kelly notices, and his physic leaner than it was before the fire. But he’s standing, and he’s beautiful and the only thing Kelly hates about him is the sadness in his eyes as he looks at Kelly for answers. But all that takes a mere few seconds, and then 2nd shift’s lieutenant catches up with Severide asking him a question, and he cowardly lets himself be distracted and turns his back on Matt, as he dives into the conversation.

 ...

4 weeks into his travels, Kelly Severide is surprised with a phone call from Dawson. Though she used to call frequently after the accident, his lack of response once Casey woke up, sent a clear message and made her give up. And though he’d seen and skipped a call from Matt the week before, he’s more than intrigued at why Dawson would call him. _Unless something has happened_. A flash of fear and guilt rushes through him as he lifts the phone to his ear. “ _Dawson_.”

 _“Severide.”_ He can hear the relief in her voice, and then the anger bursts through. _“You idiot! Thank you for answering. I’ll be quick. I’m not even sure why I’m doing this._ ”

He can hear her self-doubt and insecurity and that little bit of quivering passion when she goes all Gabby Dawson on someone. The let-me-finish, no-nonsense and-then-you-can-go-fuck-yourself-for-all-I-care tone.

_“I’ve left him, Kelly. I’ve left him and he’s scared and alone and he needs you. It’s always been you. He’s playing everything as usual, but he needs you. I don’t know what’s going on with you, and frankly, I don’t care. After this call, I reserve the right to be pissed at you, but if you want him, he’s yours, I won’t stand in your way. So, just, grow a fucking pair and get over yourself, and come back and talk to him, and fix this, because, well, because he’s so fucking lost and you’re what he’s missing and I don’t know what to do anymore and it’s not up to me.”_

She pants for a moment after her outburst, letting things sink in, and then, just like that, she hangs up.


	5. LUNGFUL

**5 | LUNGFUL**

Two days before the end of his 6 weeks tour, Kelly Severide calls in sick and cuts his trip short. Home. He has to go home. It screams from within. He can’t stomach the distance any longer. But when he arrives in Chicago, and collects his car, and begins the drive, it’s not to his apartment that he finds himself driving. He’d known all along but comes to accept it only as he pulls up to the house. In fact, he’d known ever since his balls were handed to him over the phone, 2 weeks prior, by a raging, begging Dawson.

For 2 weeks, he’d tried to ignore it, to make sense of it, to calm down, to rationalize. But only as he makes his way to the door, does everything, finally, click into place. Matt Casey. Only Matt Casey. Always Matt Casey. He kicks himself mentally for being away so long and readies himself for Matt’s wrath. Other than that, he has no idea what he’s going to say. Or do. Or even what he wants. He’ll let Matt call the shots and see what happens.

He doesn’t even get to knock. As he plants himself in front of the door, gathering courage or composure, it’s magically pulled open from the inside, revealing a shell-shocked, wide-eyed, very pale Matt Casey, staring at him. In the short moment it takes Matt to regain control, Kelly catches the torrent of unfiltered emotions running across his face. And then two strong arms, latch onto Kelly’s collar, pulling him violently inside and up against a wall. But instead of the fist, he’s preparing for, Matt’s arms circle behind his neck as he presses himself flush against Kelly, holding him tight.

 _“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,”_ Matt mumbles against his neck, his eyes closed and his grip unyielding.

It takes a moment for Kelly to react, and he finds, other than being utterly surprised, he doesn’t know what to say. He just relishes the feeling of Matt against him, alive, warm, strong, in his arms. And that’s what he does. Without a word, he wraps his arms around Matt, pulling him even closer, holding him tight, tight, as close as possible, to feel him, to let him know, to apologize, to give him strength, to take comfort, to hold him, just hold him and never let go. If he could, he’d freeze time. Exactly like this. Entwined forever. Without the outside world. Without explaining or apologizing or moving at all, just standing there, against the wall, holding each other to save their lives.

 _“You absolutely fucking asshole,”_ Matt mumbles after a while, not trying to move or release himself. Kelly can feel him relaxing a bit in his arms, the fight leaving him. _“I should fucking deck you.”_ he lets out a tiny chuckle before continuing, anguished, pressing himself against Kelly again. _“But please, please, please, Kelly, don’t ever disappear again. Please,”_ To his surprise, Kelly can feel tears trickle down his neck, catching at his collar, dampening the fabric.

 _“Matt,”_ he whispers, trying to –

 _“No, Kelly, listen. Listen. For three weeks in that hospital bed, I heard. I heard all of it, everything, and I couldn’t react, couldn’t reach you, couldn’t let you know. So now you listen.”_ Kelly is so shocked at Matt’s confession, trying to recall what he’d said in the long hours he’d sat by Matt’s bed, pouring his heart out, wishing him to wake up. His embarrassment mollified only by Matt’s weight against his body, his heart beating against his own, a slight hope that his words mattered and would allow them to go forward. Together. 

 _“I love you, Kelly,”_ Matt continues, his head still in the crook of Kelly’s neck, and, finally, Kelly lets himself relax a bit against Matt. _“I’m sorry I said goodbye at the fire, I’m sorry.”_ He can feel Kelly tense at his words, knows he’s hit the nail on its head. _“I never meant to leave you but I was so scared it was the end, I had to make you see, make you keep going, let you know.”_

 _“You said goodbye,”_ Kelly whispers accusingly.

 _“I know, I’m sorry,”_ Matt breathes out guiltily. And suddenly, before he can explain, with one strong movement, Kelly lifts him against him and turns around, slamming Matt’s back into the wall, pinning him with his body, their blue eyes meeting briefly, before Kelly’s lips lock onto Matt’s.

It’s not gentle, rather, more like punishing, but it’s strong and warm and controlling and desperate, _like Severide_ , Matt thinks. _It is Severide_. And though it’s new and confusing and rough and consuming, it’s right and soothing and awakening and - _“Wait, wait,”_ Matt tries for air and ground and sense.   
It’s not that he doesn’t want to, everything in his body is shouting ‘yes!’ and ‘don’t stop’ and ‘finally’, but there are things he has to say, things they need to talk about, things Kelly needs to hear, things Matt wants to hear.

 _“Wait.”_ It’s more forceful this time, stopping Kelly in his tracks, pulling back confusedly. And Matt catches him just in time, holding him in place, _“don’t move, don’t let go,”_ he tightens his grip again, to encourage Kelly to tighten his, _“don’t ever let go, just stop kissing me for one second, until we finish talking. Otherwise, I’ll never get this out.”_

And though Kelly tries again, pushing his erection against Matt to check its effect, he then wraps his arms around Matt’s waist and lifts him, crossing the room towards the couch. _“How are you so light?”_ he mumbles distractingly as he sits on the couch, easing Matt onto his lap.

 _“You left,”_ he hears the surrender and fear in Matt’s voice, sees guilt rather than accusation as he raises his eyes to scan Matt’s features.

 _“I’m sorry,”_ Kelly answer, guilt-ridden, tortured.

 _“I fought so hard, in that fire, in that hospital bed, I swear I fought to come back to you, to answer everything you said. I fought so hard, to get stronger and be able to talk again. But when I was finally able, you were gone. And all of it just didn’t make sense. I came out and life went on, and calls came in, and Dawson and I…”_ Matt shuts his eyes briefly, shaking his head to find his focus again. When he opens them again, he holds Kelly’s gaze firmly. _“I came out, and you weren’t there, and I couldn’t understand the reason to keep fighting, to keep going. I was on autopilot, but none of it reached me.”_

 _“Yes,”_ Kelly cuts in, surprised to hear his own experiences in Matt’s words. _“Me too, I kept going, but my life remained in that hospital room with you._ ”

_“Why the fuck did you disappear?”_

_“I, I don’t know,”_ Kelly falters, _“I can’t explain it really. You’d said goodbye, Matt. In my mind you’d given up on me, you’d left, you’d accepted leaving. So, once you were waking, once I knew you were physically alright, something in my mind told me to let go, to let you go with that decision. I was so angry and hurt. Now it doesn’t make sense at all.”_ He looks at Matt, trying to make sense of it again in his head, his hands come to frame Matt’s face, holding it in place in front of him, his gaze fixed in Matt’s.   
_“I’m sorry I left, Matt. Please, please forgive me. If you’ll let me, I’ll never let go again.”_

They hold their gaze for a while, silently assessing each other finding their trust again. And then it’s Matt that closes the distance, finding Kelly’s lips.  
It’s soft and slow and warm. Shy and seeking and forgiving. _Forgiving_ , Kelly realizes, as he parts his lips to let Matt in. And it’s sweet, so sweet. Sweet like coming home, and fitting in and being giddy with happiness. Sweet like… _“Matt,”_ Kelly whispers in relief into Matt’s mouth as his hands roam through Matt’s hair. He doesn’t have anything to say really, it’s just the realization of arrival that voices itself, and a lone, happy tear runs down his cheek.

 _“Tell me,”_ he can hear Matt whisper back, his lips tracing the tear track, kissing his eyelids and the new-gained wrinkles by his eyes and his nose.

 _“I love you, Matt.”_ Kelly happily grants him his wish, basking in the liberation the admission brings, the freedom of finally breathing again. _“I love you. I love you. Don’t ever say goodbye to me again.”_


	6. COUCH TALK

**6 | COUCH TALK**

_“Tell me why you’re so light” “Move in with me.”_

_“There’s so much to fix” “What?”_

They both burst out laughing as they realized they both tried to talk and answer one another at the same time, speaking over each over and making no sense.   
Matt’s laughter rings sweetly in Kelly’s ears, and he can’t help but kiss him again, momentarily forgetting his surprise at Matt’s words.

 _“What did you just say?”_ he whispers, afraid to hope, in case he had misheard.

_“I want you to stay. Move in with me.”_

_“Matt, that’s crazy, we haven’t even dated yet.”_

_“That’s bullshit, and you know it. We’ve known each other for 15 years, Kelly. We already love each other. You know me better than anyone, and I can’t watch you leave out that door. So, stay, move in.”_ He knows he sounds pathetic, desperate even, but he is, and he’s scared Kelly will suddenly come to his senses or relapse and pull back.

 _“15 years,”_ Kelly reflects gently, wondering how the years formed their relationship and why it’d taken them so long to get to this point _. “What if I snore, Matt? You’re a really light sleeper. What if I move in, and drive you crazy with my snoring. Or with other every-day, common, irritating things I do?”_

 _“You do snore, Kelly. We’ve slept next to each other enough times at the firehouse for me to know. You do snore; cute little grunt-like sounds. It’s perhaps the most delicate sound your burly body makes, and I love it. And you knowing how light I sleep just proves my point. And you caring just makes me want you more.”_ He emphasizes his words with actions, running kisses along Kelly’s neck and shoulders and chest.

But Kelly doesn’t let himself be distracted by Matt’s ministrations. _“What did you mean by ‘there’s so much to fix’, Matt?”_

That gets Matt’s attention, his eyes dart to Kelly’s, ghosted with pain and worry. _“I… I,”_ Matt begins, failingly searching for words, his irises jumping from Kelly’s one eye to the other.

_“You what, Matt? tell me.”_

_“I’m on sick leave,”_ Matt whispers, ashamed and hurt.

_“Why?”_

_“Chief’s way of avoiding suspension, I guess. He wrote it off as sustained symptoms of my injury, so the insurance will pay it.”_

_“Wrote what off? What’s going on?”_

_“I’m sorry,”_

_“Don’t be sorry, just tell me. Whatever it is, I want to know. If you’re ready for us to live together, you should be ready to talk to me and tell me what’s going on.”_

_“I couldn’t pass the mandatory physical test. It was a disaster.  I, I’m underweight and anaemic. My muscles don’t get the oxygen they need.”_

_“Why, Matt?”_ Kelly’s tone is suddenly sharp. He knows the answer, he just can’t deal with it. Of all the things he’d thought would go wrong, he never thought Matt would let it affect his work. Kelly finds he’s a bit angry and a tad disappointed by the thought. But he knows that won’t help, it’s not what Matt needs from him, and, at the end of the day, it’s his own fault. His disappearance broke the beautiful man in front of him.

 _“We’ll fix this, Matt,”_ he says before Matt has a chance to answer. His voice riddled with guilt and pain. _“I’m back now. We’ll get you eating, get your weight up, we’ll get you back where you belong, on Truck. I promise.”_

Matt nods absentmindedly, not sure what he thinks and feels about the plan. He’d just happy having Kelly home, in his arms, the rest is just too redundant to care about right now. _“What about you?”_ he asks quietly.

_“What about me?”_

_“Are you coming back to 1 st shift?”_

_“I don’t know, haven’t thought about it. Haven’t thought about any of it, really. I landed and drove here on autopilot.”_

_“I’m glad you did.”_

_“I’m glad I did too. But, Matt, if we’re together, CFD won’t let us work the same shift. Maybe it’s better I stay on 3 rd shift.”_

_“1 st shift is your home, your family. If you want to come back, I won’t get in your way. We’ll figure something out. We have time, anyway, until I’m approved for work again. You can switch your shifts back.”_

_“Let’s not think about right now, as you said, we have time.”_  They sit there for a moment, in silence, until Kelly notices Matt nodding off. _“Matt?”_

_“Sorry, tired. That happens sometimes, the anaemia…”_

It’s weird, it’s the middle of the day. But Kelly can see Matt is exhausted, the image of his paleness as he opened the door floats again in front of Kelly’s eyes. _There’s so much to fix_ , but for now, sleep will do. The fight, the flight and their reunion taking their toll on Kelly too.

 _“Let’s get you to bed, Matt,”_ he whispers as his fingers skim through Matt’s hair.

 _“Stay,”_ Matt mumbles his eyes closed, his fingers clinging to Kelly’ shirt.

_“Always.”_

The way Matt’s positioned on him prevents Kelly from being able to get up to move them to the bedroom. Wrapping his arms around Matt, he reluctantly shifts so he’s lying on the couch, his head on the armrest. Matt sprawled on top of him, keeping him warm. With his free hand, he pulls the throw-over to cover Matt, his fingers then returning to caress through Matt’s hair. His thoughts fight one another in his head, as he thinks over what had happened and what he’d learned and how much worse things may have been if he’d stayed away just a bit longer. His eyes become heavy as he feels Matt heartbeat against his chest, his mind clearing with every soft breath against his neck, and for the first time in a really long time, in months, since that damn factory fire, he lets himself let go, and rest.

_._

_“Marry me,”_

.

Kelly wakes suddenly, unsure if and what he’d thought he’d heard. Blinking sleep away, it takes him a mere second to recognize the situation he finds himself in, Matt still sleeping on his chest. A happy calmness washes over him, his arms wrapping around Matt’s lean figure on their own accord. He’s even more confused now. The words he’d thought he’d heard mumbled, probably mere figments of his imagination. Weird, premature, totally inappropriate figments of his imagination.

Looking at his watch, he comes to realize they’ve been sleeping for well over an hour, his stomach grumbles in complaint as he thinks over when he’d last eaten.  
 _“Matt,”_ he tries to wake the man on top of him, his finger stroking his scalp and down his spine, applying light pressure to bring Matt back to consciousness.

 _“Mhhh”_ Matt grumbles as he squints against the light and nuzzles roughly into Kelly’s chest, making Kelly jerk back in pain.

 _“Ow,”_ he laughs lightly, pulling Matt’s head back while rubbing the spot on his chest.

 _“Sorry,”_ Matt smiles bashfully, his eyes on Kelly’s. _“Habit. And you’re not a mattress.”_

 _“Not the last time I checked, no.”_ Kelly laughs back.

 _“Comfier than a mattress,”_ Matt quips, closing his eyes again, settling back on Kelly’s chest.

_“Matt, you need to get up. I need to pee. And eat. And so do you for that matter.”_

_“Mh”_ Matt grunts with no indication of moving.

 _“Matt, don’t make me resort to torture,”_ Kelly’s voice is lined with warning, as his hands move to Matt’s sides, preparing to tickle.

 _“No,”_ Matt practically squeals, _“I’m up, I’m up,”_ he says as he pushes himself off Kelly, grabbing Kelly’s hands in his for protection. They sit comfortably next to each other for a moment.  _“What time is it?”_ Matt finally asks.

 _“15:20”_ Kelly answers, “ _let me hit the john, and then I’ll make us something to eat.”_

 _“Uh,”_ a worried look comes over Matt’s face, _“there’s nothing here to make dinner with,”_  he confesses guiltily. His depression at Kelly’s absence having brought him to a state of apathy, he’d lost his appetite and saw no point in venturing to the store to fill his fridge again.

Kelly just rolls his eyes, reigning in his disappointment as he looks at Matt’s pale features. _“Go get dressed then, we’ll go to the store.”_

 _“Can’t we just order in?”_ Matt tries, his mind playing him to avoid any exertion.

_“No, Matt. We need to get you healthy again, and junk food won’t cut it. I’m making sure you eat properly, even if it means I have to cook it. Now go.”_

_“Bossy,”_ Matt challenges.

_“Call it what you want, Matt, but you’re a grade A idiot, for letting things go this far. I’m not worth it. Nobody is. But I’m putting a stop to now. If you want to see it as bossiness, fine, I consider it carrying.”_

_“Bossy.”_ Matt teases _, “I like it, it’s sexy.”_

 _“Yeah?”_ Kelly says playfully, turning his head to look at Matt, then pushing himself against him, his groin rubbing against Matt’s suggestively, _“You like that?”_ Matt just moans in response, his sparkling eyes closing with pleasure.  _“Well, you’re not getting any until your weight’s back up,”_ Kelly says triumphantly, pulling back from Matt, laughing as he catches Matt’s shock sprawled on his face.

_“You wouldn’t,”_

_“I just have.”_

_“You couldn’t. I mean, it’s going to take a while and you’re Kelly Severide, you can’t go without so long.”_

_“We’ll just see about that,”_ Kelly says, a sadness flickering in his eyes as he realizes the false image Matt hold in his head of him _. “It will give us both something to wait for. And time to do this right. Look at as incentive. Now I really have to pee. I hope to see you back here, dressed to go, when I come back. How’s that for less bossy.”_


	7. Baby Steps

**7 | BABY STEPS**

Walking to the store, three blocks from Matt’s apartment, Kelly can see Matt struggling to keep up. After about two blocks, Matt’s breathing becomes strained and his footsteps falter unstably. Kelly winces inwardly at Matt’s state, silently wrapping an arm around Matt’s waist, holding him up as he slows their pace. _“We have our work cut out for us, don’t we?”_

 _“Sorry,”_ Matt mumbles.

 _“Stop apologizing.”_ Kelly chastises him gently. _“When was the last time you’ve eaten?”_

_“Don’t know, can’t remember.”_

..

 _“Here, sit here,”_ Kelly directs him to a bench outside the store. _“wait here, I’ll be right back.”_

As Kelly steps away, Matt lets his eyes close, enjoying a surprising moment of winter sun. He’s too tired to even argue with Kelly, the idea of dragging along the aisles seemingly impossible. A few short moments later, Kelly comes back, handing him an apple _._

 _“Here, eat this while I go collect some things for dinner. I want this finished by the time I get back.”_ Bossy Kelly is back, and Matt can see the worry in his eyes. This is why he’d tried to avoid this excursion. The worry in Kelly’s eyes setting guilt and shame within his stomach. Having no other choice, or energy, Matt takes the apple, and nods in silent acceptance.  _“Any wishes for dinner?”_ Kelly’s voice softens, a small smile hangs on his lips, trying to make amends for Matt’s unease. Turning the apple in his hand, Matt can hardly think beyond finishing it. It seems huge to him, but he knows he has to try, for Kelly, for himself.

 _“Can we have breakfast for dinner? Omelettes, toast, bacon?”_ he asks, hoping to mask the relatively light meal with joviality. He can see the cogs work in Kelly’s brain as he stands above him, his eyes assessing him, and he’s pretty sure it won’t work. But to his surprise, Kelly smirks, at last, giving in, his fingers pull lightly at Matt’s forelock.

_“Sure.”_

…

The atmosphere, as they eat dinner, turns strained and silent, as Matt slowly picks through his food. With all his concern for Matt’s state, Kelly doesn’t want to police him into an eating regime. Knowing the two of them, Matt’s insistent need of control and independence and Kelly’s stubbornness to fix any problem, their delicate new-found relationship won’t be strong enough to hold the imbalance. Kelly can feel Matt’s foreboding fear but isn’t sure what to do, how to solve it or even breach it. Setting his cutlery down in frustration, he can see Matt wince as he shifts in his seat.

_“Matt, I’m not the nutrition police, I won’t force you to eat.”_

_“I know, I’m just not very hungry after the apple. I’m sorry,”_

_“I don’t want this to define our relationship.”_

_“I know, I’m sor-”_

_“Stop fucking apologizing and just talk to me, damn it!”_ Kelly takes a moment to calm himself. This is definitely not the way he should go about it. Shit. _“Listen, Matt,”_ he begins again, apprehensively, _“let’s make a deal, so this food and eating things doesn’t become an issue between us. I’ll make sure there are three meals here a day if you promise to try and eat. I don’t care what, or how much, I don’t want to regulate it, just promise me you’ll try, and I’ll let it go.”_

Matt thinks it over for a moment, his silence stretching like gum between them _. “Actually, the dietician I spoke to said five smaller meals are better than three bigger ones.”_ Matt smiles shyly, knowing he’s agreeing without agreeing.

 _“Fine,”_ Kelly smiles back, unsure who just won this weird argument.

…

 _“X-box?”_ Matt asks as they finish clearing up, his tired eyes lined with anxiety again. Kelly gets the feeling there something else behind his question. _“Or cards?”_ Matt asks when Kelly doesn’t answer immediately.

_“I’m kind of tired, Matt, my body’s a bit wack from travelling and it’s been a long day.”_

_“A movie then?”_ Matt won’t relent, his eyes moving around the room looking for possible activities to suggest.

 _“Matt, what’s going on?”_ Kelly says as he steps closer to Matt, standing before him, his hands settling on Matt’s arms.

 _“I don’t want you to go,”_ Matt’s voice is small, his eyes glued to the floor.

 _“I wasn’t planning on leaving,”_ Kelly answers softly, a finger raising Matt’s face to look him in the eye, _“I was just thinking of going to bed.”_ his eyes search Matt’s to gauge his reaction, but Matt’s eyes are now filled with a delicate terror. _“What is it, Matt? What’s wrong with sleep? I’ll sleep in the spare room if you’re not ready.”_

_“I need to tell you something.”_

_“Okay,”_

_“I have nightmares.”_ Matt's eyes drown in Kelly’s, screaming fear and loss. He takes a definitive breath before going on. _“Of that night. The fire.”_

Kelly looks at him for a moment. It’s not surprising, it’s rather normal, he’s not sure why Matt is so dramatic about it. He decides to placate Matt’s confession with one of his own. His fingers moving to caress Matt’s hair as if tucking an invisible lock behind his ear, he takes another step closer.  _“Me too,”_ he whispers.  He can see Matt’s eyes growing big, but his voice is still scared as he goes on.

 _“I might wake up screaming,”_ Matt says, his eyes moving between Kelly’s eyes, searching for any sign of disgust or aversion.

 _“It’s okay,”_ Kelly tries but Matt’s adamant now to go on.

 _“I might wake up screaming your name, Kelly,”_ Matt admits finally, his breath catching in his lungs with fear of his confession. It’s weird and pathetic, weak and somewhat possessive, but it’s uncontrolled. An untamed outlet to what his soul has been going through these past months. He dreams of Kelly being in that fire, stuck under that metal box instead of him, the temperature rising and the air thinning, and Matt is powerless to save him. He strikes at the concrete walls, kicks, and screams, hurdling himself against the walls, but he isn’t able to get through. His muscles tire, the clank of his Halligan pathetic against the roaring of the fire.  He wakes up crying Kelly’s name out as he tries feverishly to bring his friend back. Even thinking about it now, his body shakes as he stands helplessly in front of Kelly.

Kelly takes him in, surprised but unfazed by his admission. He wraps his arms around Matt, holding him tight, whispering in his ear.  _“I’ll be right here, Matt. If you wake up calling for me, you’ll find me right there at your side. I’m not going anywhere. I told you, I’m never leaving again.”_

Matt fingers slowly claw at Kelly’s shirt, shy to engage, as if it’s the first time he’s ever touched him. Gradually he leans into the embrace, his grip becoming unyielding around Kelly’s shoulders as if shielding himself from his nocturnal visions. They stand there for a while, holding each other, not an inch between their bodies, as they breathe each other in, offering support, promising protection, their beings melding into one.


	8. NIGHT WATCH

**8 | NIGHT WATCH**

_“So, have you and Casey straightened things out?”_

Boden’s voice is calm, but his eyes are sharp and hard. It’s Kelly’s first shift back after being away for six weeks, though he’s not yet back with 1st first. He’d began his morning telling Boden of what he’d experienced while away, concluding with coming back early and seeing Matt. Kelly contemplates now how to answer best. Boden is like a father figure to him, and to Casey, he doesn’t want to lie to him or downplay their relationship. They’re going to need support once Matt comes back to work, and if anybody has been with them over the years, it’s Boden.

 _“Not the verb I’d use, chief, but we’re figuring it out.”_ He says, looking at the chief expectantly, waiting for the shoe to drop.

Chief nods lightly as realization dawns. He doesn’t make a habit of prying into the private lives of his men, but he can’t say he’s entirely surprised by this development. _“Take care of him, Kelly.”_ He says wearily, _“I’ve seen firefighters give up after fires like he’s been through. Not only on the job but… He’s too important_.”   
Boden was never a man of words, but Kelly knows what he means, what Matt means. He’s the beating heart of the house, a cherished friend, brother, or son to all of them, even if he’s blind to see it and too modest to recognize it.

_“I know, chief. I’m on it.”_

_“Good,”_ Boden concludes their short talk. _“See if you can get him to the CFD Christmas ball next week,”_ Boden adds calmly, ignoring any possible implications. He doesn’t need the details, he just wants to see both his lieutenants in attendance. _“It’d be great to see him. And for him to see he still has a place here, has our support.”_

_“Yes, sir.”_

_…_

_“Hello?”_  Kelly answers groggily from his bunk. It’s not usual for his cell phone to ring at 2:20 while he’s on a shift.

_“Kelly?”_

_“Matt? What’s going on? Are you okay?”_

_“Are you okay?”_

_“What?”_

_“Are you okay? Where are you?”_

_“At 51, Matt. I’m fine. Why aren’t you asleep?”_

Matt’s silence is answer enough.

 _“Nightmare?”_ Kelly having experienced Matt’s nightmares the night before, he can imagine how scared Matt is. It had taken over an hour for him to settle down the night before. In his confusion, he’d insisted on opening a window, mumbling about the dangers of suffocation, and then lay under the covers shivering from the cold. Kelly couldn’t do anything but hold him to him, hoping their proximity will ground Matt and warm him up, as he waited for sleep to take over again.  When Matt doesn’t answer he tries to push for more, _“About me?”_

_“Mm. Sorry, did I wake you? I’m sorry.”_

_“It’s fine Matt. I’m glad you called, I’ve missed you today.”_ He decides to try and distract Matt, get him to focus on other things _. “We had a great call today, you would’ve loved it.”_

_“Yeah?”_

_“Yeah. Clogged chimney at the German Grill stall at the Christmas Market. Was fairly easy to fix. The owner of the stall was so grateful, he stopped by the house with dinner for all of us. I’ve never seen so many sausages in my life. Trucks will probably roll slower due to all the extra weight we’ve all eaten_.” He laughs and listens for Matt’s reaction.

 _“That sounds great, Kelly”_ comes Matt’s small voice. He wants to be happy for Kelly, to laugh with him, but the thought of him on a truck brings back visions from his nightly terror.

_“Matt?”_

_“Hm?”_

_“You okay?”_

_“Yeah,”_ Kelly can hear the insecurity in his voice, can feel he’s downplaying how he’s feeling. Keeping Matt on the line, he makes his way to Boden’s office. _“Can you hold on just a moment, Matt? I’m still here, just a sec.”_ He says into the line, as he knocks lightly on Boden’s door, setting the phone on mute. _“Chief, I need 30, to go check on Casey, something’s not right.”_

 _“Okay,”_ Boden nods from his place on the sofa, _“take a radio with you.”_

_“Thanks, Chief.”_

_“Hey, Matt, I’m back. I’m on my way, can you take the key out the door, so I can get in?”_

…

Pulling up to Matt’s house, Kelly finds all the lights are on, the beat of music flowing through the open windows. Through the living room windows, he can see Matt pacing back and forth. _“Matt?”_ he says as he lets himself in, going straight for the receiver to lower the volume. _“Matt? What’s going on? Why aren’t you in bed?”_ he then moves to close some of the windows, blocking out the freezing December air.

_“Not tired.”_

_“Matt,”_

_“How was shift?”_

_“Shift IS fine, Matt. Nothing special. I need to get back soon, I don’t have a lot of time.”_

_“What are you doing here?”_

_“Why aren’t you asleep, Matt?”_

_“Told you, I’m not tired.”_

_“But you were asleep before? You had another nightmare?”_ his words bring Matt back into focus, his features paling. Kelly comes to stand in front of him. _“I’m right here, Matt. You see? I’m fine.”_

_“You can’t go back.”_

_“What?”_

_“It’s too dangerous something’s gonna happen you’ll get hurt and I won’t be there to save you I can’t save you I can’t go back there.”_

_“Okay, Matt, calm down.”_ Kelly tries first to address Matt’s increased breathing rate, his hands coming to rest on Matt’s shoulders. He’s not sure he follows Matt’s logic, but in his confused state, he’s expressing more than the fears in his dreams.

 _“I don’t want to go back,”_ Matt finally mumbles, in a low whisper, his eyes searching Kelly’s for a reaction.

_“Matt, you don’t have to go back. But we don’t have to talk about it now. You need to try and sleep, you’re exhausted and you’re not thinking clearly.”_

_“I am, I am.”_ Matt utters angrily, and Kelly sees it’s a battle he won’t win. He tries and changes the subject _._

_“Why are all the lights on, Matt?”_

Matt looks around suddenly as if surprised to find the state of the house. He looks back at Kelly, trying to recall why all the lights were on, his gaze hollowing as he’s pulled back into his head. _“It was so dark.”_ By the tone of his voice Kelly know he isn’t talking about the house anymore, but about his experience during the fire, under the metal box he’d flipped over to hide under.  _“and there was no air, and it was hot, too hot. Too hot.”_ He says as he pulls at his shirt as if trying to peel it off.

 _“Matt, look at me. Look at me.”_ Kelly says as he grips Matt face between his hands, trying to snap Matt out of it. _“We’re not there anymore. We’re not there anymore. You’re safe, I’m right here.”_ He can sense Matt coming back to him. _“Can you tell me where we are, Matt?”_

_“Home.”_

_“Right. That’s right. We’re home, I’m right here. You’re safe, we’re both safe, okay?”_

_“Hm-mm,”_ Matt nods his head frantically, his eyes glued to the floor, a sheen of sweat rippling down his body, as he trembles in his place.

_“What are you feeling, Matt? Warm? Cold?”_

_“Cold.”_

_“Okay. Okay.”_ Kelly says as he wraps his arms around Matt, panting against his hair. Cold, is at least logical; it’s fucking freezing in the house after Matt has opened every window. Holding Matt against him with one arm, he takes his phone out with the other, sending a message to the chief. _‘CHIEF, HE’S NOT DOING WELL, I CAN’T LEAVE._ ’   
He’s never done this in his life, in all his years as a firefighter he’s never once left in the middle of the shift. Not without organizing a replacement first. But he can’t leave Matt like this. He’s not sure he knows what to do, but Matt seems calmer with him being there, it’s a start. ‘ _I’LL TRY AND COME BACK ONCE HE’S ASLEEP. SORRY._ ’ He sends a second message to the chief. His phone beeping with an incoming message after a moment.

_‘_ _DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT. I GOT YOU COVERED. TAKE CARE OF HIM.’_

_“Hey, Matt,”_

_“Mm,”_ Matt moans against Kelly’s chest.

 _“How about we go take a shower?”_ He’s thinking it’ll warm Matt up, and distract him. And Kelly could also do with a shower himself after shift. _“I need a shower. Will you join me?”_

_“In the shower?”_

_“Yes?”_

_“Won’t that be weird?”_

_“Why would it be weird, Matt? We’ve showered next to each other hundreds of times on shifts.”_

_“We were just mates then.”_

_“Then it should be this less awkward now we’re together, shouldn’t it?”_

_“Are we together?”_

_“What? Yes. Or I thought we were. Aren’t we? I hope we are. What’re we doing here if we aren’t? I thought I’m moving in. I’ve just told Boden about us.”_ Kelly is now utterly confused, the words falling from his mouth. It’s really too late at night, and they’ve had too little sleep between them for this conversation, but he needs to settle Matt’s mind.

 _“You haven’t kissed me in two days.”_ Matt’s voice is weary and ashamed, with just a touch of accusation to it.

 _“You counting, Matt?”_ Kelly asks, amused _._ He’d been so busy organizing things before shift, they’ve hardly seen each other, and then he’d been on shift since yesterday morning, or was it this morning? 

_“I thought…”_ it’s then Kelly sees the fear and confusion in Matt’s eyes _._

_“You thought what, Matt?”_

_“I thought you didn’t want me. That you regret what happened the day you came back.”_

_“Why would you think that?”_

_“You said you won’t touch me.”_ Matt’s insecurities voice themselves. Somehow, in his mind, he’d succeeded to convince himself Kelly had decided against them being together.

_“Oh, Matt. I said I won’t have sex with you until you’re better. I love you, Matt. I’m not regretting anything, except the time together we’ve missed out on. I want to do this right, Matt, that’s why I want us to take it slow, to make it work.”_

_“Oh.”_

_“I do want you, Matt.”_

_“Ok.”_

_“Do you want me, Matt?”_

_“Yes.”_

_“So, will you shower with me?”_

Nodding wordlessly, Matt pulls himself out of Kelly’s arms, heading for the bathroom. _“Wait,”_ Kelly tugs on his shirt to stop him, pulling him back to him. _“Kiss me first, Matt.”_


	9. CUTTING IN

**9 | CUTTING IN**

It took a few days to convince Matt to go to the CFD Christmas ball. Every day he’d come up with a new reason, a new excuse, a new insecurity, as to why it’s not a good idea for him to come: People will look; he has no right to go as he’s currently not working; it’d be weird for them to go together; he can’t drink; he doesn’t have the energy to dance. Kelly calmly and patiently shut down every excuse, giving Matt another way to look at things, but leaving the choice up to Matt.

The last hurdle occurs as they’re getting ready to leave, Matt wearily dragging every step of getting dressed.  
Having finished with his tux, but needing Matt’s help with his bowtie, Kelly finds him standing in front of the mirror, dressed in a stark white shirt, and holding his pants in place.

 _“They used to fit,”_ Matt says sadly as his troubled eyes find Kelly’s through the mirror. _“They used to fit.”_ It’s not that he didn’t know he’d lost weight, it was a conscious daily subject, but the vision of the now sagging dress pants strikes him abruptly. He’d thought he was making progress with his weight, yet the offending pants show him exactly how much he’d lost and how set back he still is.

Kelly jumps in before Matt can think any further, and use it as an excuse to pull back from tonight. Taking a belt hanging from Matt’s chair, he comes to stand behind Matt, his finger slowly threading the belt through Matt’s waistband, his lips setting delicate kisses against Matt’s neck as he does up the belt, his eyes following his hands through the mirror.

 _“There, Matt, fixed. Don’t worry about it. That’s what belts were invented for.”_ His voice is calm and kind, sincere. _“You’re doing great Matt, don’t let this get to you. You look_ great,” Kelly says as he turns Matt to him, straightening his tie in place, having used their proximity to tie it around Matt’s neck. “ _You look hot,”_ he says as he pulls Matt to him by his tie, his voice dropping suggestively.

 _“No, I don’t, Kelly. Unless you’re into the anorectic look.”_ Matt deadpans seriously.

 _“I’m into you, Matt. And you’re not anorectic, you’ve just lost weight. Now tell me how hot I look, and let’s get out of here.”_ Kelly smiles as he holds Matt’s jacket for him.

 _“You do,”_ Matt says solemnly, tying Kelly’s bowtie for him, his hands lingering on Kelly’s shoulders. “ _I’m the luckiest man, to be going with you to the ball.”_

 _“Mm,”_ Kelly smiles wickedly, before kissing Matt, “ _and you get to take me home as well.”_

**…**

_“May I have this dance?”_ Kelly asks sweetly, leaning into Matt’s ear, offering his hand. The supper part of the evening being over, the band moved from playing classical music to soft Jazz appropriate for dancing.  

_“No, Kelly, please don’t.”_

_“Why not?”_

_“Because… it’s too soon. They’ll all look. We agreed we’re coming as best friends.”_

_“I used to come with Shay as my best friend, and she’d dance with me.”_

_“That’s not the same and you know it.”_

_“Okay,”_ Kelly relents, trying to hide his hurt, _“well, I’d like to dance, so, I’ll be on the dance floor if you need me.”_

Soon he’s on the dance floor, Cynthia from arson in his arms, a slight smile on his lips as they chat comfortably. Matt can only sit at their table, his eyes glued to them as they move gracefully around the floor, berating himself for his stupidity and cowardliness. It’s not that he doesn’t want to dance with Kelly, to feel his arms around him, he does; It’s his favourite place in the world. But everyone he knows is in this room, everyone who knows him, who holds any sort of respect for him. It was bad enough dealing with their prying, pitying eyes as he came in.

His family at 51 was truly happy to see him, holding conversations with him, as if he hadn’t been away at all. They asked about his health and told him stories from the firehouse, and all took a private moment to tell him how much they missed him, and that he’s always welcome and just to let them know if he needs anything. They meant well, he knows that, he’s just not very good at being on the receiving side. He’s used to be the one offering help, supporting his friends, initiating volunteer construction projects to make life easier for those who need it. It’s who he was. Being suddenly on the other side made him feel small and weak. But their attempts and kindness also reminded him, he had a home and a family at 51, and that it was wrong of him to push them all away when he was in pain. It sat heavy on his shoulders throughout dinner; even Kelly wasn’t able to distract him from his thoughts. And this, Kelly, Kelly and he, was just another thing he was keeping from them. Though Kelly said the chief knew, so possibly they all knew. Matt scans their faces as he sits there. Each of them busy with different things, not giving any special notice to Matt, like it’s an everyday thing he’s there; like he belongs.

Otis and Cruz are laughing at something between them. Hermann is dancing with Cindy, their foreheads connected, a content grin on his lips. Chief is at the bar, while Donna sits with Mouch and Platt at the table. She’s nodding distractedly at Mouches rambles, while watching the dancers move around the room, her foot tapping to the rhythm of the music. _They don’t mind you, Matt, it’s all in your head._ What if he did go and dance with Kelly? What would happen?

The sound of a chair grazing the floor snaps him out of his thoughts, he suddenly finds Dawson sat beside him, looking at him expectantly.

“ _Hi_ ,” he mumbles, surprised and confused. He thought they were consensually doing unspoken avoidance, and suddenly she’s right there, front and centre.

 _“So, that was a dick move,”_ she says in her Dawson way, her head tilting in the direction of the dance floor.

 _“I don’t mind, he can do as he pleases, he deserves to have fun.”_ Matt is quick to defend Kelly and cover any signs of discomfort on his behalf. He’s not sure what Dawson knows about his relationship with Kelly.

 _“I meant on your part.”_ She eyes him sharply. “ _Why’d you turn him down?”_

Matt looks at her, stunned. Racing thoughts crashing through his mind. _How does she know? Doesn’t she care? Why did he decline Kelly? Did he hurt Kelly?  Did he ruin their chances? Who else saw it? What would they think? Why is he so concerned at what everybody will think?_

 _“Matt,”_ Dawson’s voice softens as she sees the battle in his mind. His eyes move from following Kelly to find hers. _“You got a second chance at life after that fire. Stop wasting it on worrying about everybody else. You deserve to be happy.”_

_“I am.”_

_“No, Matt, you’re holding back, because you refuse to see what everyone else already knows. And I’ll be really pissed off if it had all been for nothing.”_

_“You don’t care?”_ He knows they both know what he’s talking about.

 _“I’m the one who called Severide to get his act together. And now it’s up to you. Don’t make me go all Gabby Dawson on you.”_ They both grin at the phrase he’d coined for her erratic, insistent behaviour. Then he nods lightly, his features serious again. He takes her hand in his.

_“Thanks, Gabs.”_

..

 _“May I cut in?”_ Matt’s voice is soft but determined, as he comes to stand by the dancing couple as the song comes to an end. Stella Kidd looks puzzled between the two men before extracting herself from Severide’s arms, a shy smile directed at Matt as she leaves the two of them to be. Kelly, on the other hand, bites down on his lip to hold in the wide grin spreading across his face, an excited shiver running up his spine.

 _“May I have this dance?”_ Matt asks shyly, a ripple of fear whispers across his eyes, though Kelly’s state is clear and positive.

 _“Gladly, Matt,”_ Kelly says, already moving to take Matt in his arms. But it’s Matt who takes the lead.

_“I’m sorry I’m so difficult, Kelly, I promise it’ll change. I’ll let go, I’ll-”_

_“Matt,”_ Kelly says as he pulls him tighter to him, his arm sneaking up Matt’s back, _“You’re perfect. Now shut up and dance with me.”_

The world disappears as they dance. Matt can only see Kelly. How the tiny Christmas lights shine through his hair and reflect in his eyes, their blue sparkling at Matt and pulling him in. He can feel Kelly’s excitement at their proximity, and at the possibility of holding Matt in his arms. If it’s so simple to make Kelly happy, Matt thinks, he should find it in himself to let it happen more often, allow them to have that, each other. He vows to himself he will, and Kelly can feel him relaxing into their embrace.

 _“I like the song you’ve chosen.”_ Kelly winks at Matt as he closes the space between them, humming with the lyrics into Matt’s ear, as the chorus comes on. _“Into my arms, O Lord, Into my arms.”_


	10. COME UNDONE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is very long due... it's also very long... hope it's ok...

**10 | COME UNDONE**

Kelly’s sitting jitteringly on the green plastic chair of their local clinic. They’ve done this twice already in the last four weeks, and though Matt was progressing, he hadn’t yet (per two weeks ago) arrived at the minimum of his weight range. According to their plan, carefully crafted and managed with the help of Matt’s dietician, today should be the day his test show that he’s crossed over that line and is now back in his healthy weight range.

Kelly’s nerves are on edge. The last two times were not easy on Matt, though they had tried to manage his expectations. It had taken him a couple of days each time to pull himself out of his dark-and-angry place and back to his motivated state, back to eating and training. This time Matt came feeling confident of his weight-gain, and Kelly wishes the results are good because he’s too scared to think of what happens otherwise.

At last, he hears the door opening and Matt’s figure slowly making his way to him. Though Matt tries to keep his expression schooled, the moment his eyes catch Kelly, a huge grin spreads on his face, uncontrollably transmitting his success and his happiness.

 _“Yes?”_ Kelly grins as he rushes to him and Matt nod turns into an all-out ringing laugh as Kelly raises him in the air in a tight embrace. _“I knew you’d do it!”_ Kelly says when he puts him down, not letting him go, his hands coming to cup Matt’s face, _“I’m so proud of you!”_ he beams before leaning in and kissing Matt deeply. Matt soon groans lightly into the kiss reminding Kelly of their deal. Finally, finally, he can take Matt to bed.

It had been very hard keeping his word to not have sex with Matt before his weight was up. Matt’s attempts and insistence grew along with his weight, and he kept finding new ways to try and seduce Kelly. Kelly was no saint, nor was he a prude, and along with Matt’s insecurities concerning Kelly’s affection, he found he had to make some compromises along the way. More often than not they’d find themselves in the shower together, hungry mouths and roaming hands. Thrice Kelly let it get to mutual masturbation in bed, but never more than that. And now, now they’ve finally met their goal. Kelly could feel himself growing hard in his pants.

 _“Home?”_ he asks, half pleading, his teeth grazing at Matt’s lips.

 _“We have to go to the pharmacy to pick up vitamins and to CFD headquarters to put in my application for a physical…”_ Matt whispers back begrudgingly. His mind has roamed in the exact same path as Kelly’s, his head filling with ideas, making him impatient.

 _“In that case,”_ Kelly’s quick to form a plan, _“I need a visit to the toilet. And you need to join me,”_ He whispers the last part in Matt’s ear.

_“I do?”_

_“Definitely,”_ Kelly says, tugging on Matt’s sleeve and dragging him away.

Kelly quickly checks that all the stalls are empty before he hurriedly pushes Matt into one and locks the door. Before Matt can even fully grasp what’s going on Kelly’s flung himself at him, his body melding to him, exposing his state. His hands are everywhere, and his lips insistent on Matt’s neck and jawline and mouth.  Matt is quick to catch up, and he moans loudly with the pleasure of Kelly’s heat against his body.

 _“Shhhh,”_ Kelly whispers into his mouth, silencing him with a kiss. _“I’m so fucking proud of you,”_ he whispers quietly into Matt’s ears, his eyes sparkling bright, his fingers already working his belt open.

 _“Kelly,”_ Matt whines with need when he feels Kelly’s fingers on him.

 _“I got you,”_ Kelly says with a soft kiss to Matt’s lips before he sinks to his knees. Matt gasps in surprise. And Kelly’s quick to nuzzle into his crotch, releasing Matt’s cock from his boxers by pulling his boxers down with his teeth. When Matt’s cock is free and erect in front of him, he smiles up at Matt with a winning grin.

Then he slows down his pace, beginning with a tentative lick along Matt’s shaft. Matt groans loudly and his hands come to rest on both sides of Kelly’s head. Taking that as encouragement, Kelly continues his study of Matt’s cock, licking along it before slowly taking the tip in his mouth.   _“Yes,”_ Matt mumbles his appreciation softly, his fingers tightening in Kelly’s hair and Kelly opens his mouth and takes him in.

It doesn’t take long, - with the heat of Kelly’s sucking throat, and his wicked swirling tongue and both of them being on edge, - before long Matt is huffing his warning to Kelly. _“Kell, I’m so close, so close –“_

To his utter shock and frustration, Kelly pulls off with a loud pop. _“No, not yet. Not till we’re home.”_ He says, eyes gleaming.

 _“Ughmmm, Kelly,”_ Matt grunts in frustration, trying to pull Kelly’s head back to him.

 _“No,”_ Kelly pulls away, already standing up, his fingers redressing Matt’s cock into his pants. _“We’ve waited this long. let’s enjoy this a little while longer. It’ll be worth the wait, I promise.”_ He leans in and kisses Matt, and Matt releases another loud grunt as Kelly’s weight strokes his cock.

 _“Home, then,”_ Matt pleas petulantly.

 _“No, pharmacy and CFD and then home. Come on.”_ Kelly checks that the coast is clear before he leads them out of the stall. _“there’s a toilet waiting for us in every one of those places,”_ he whispers in Matt’s ear as they exit the building toward the car.

..

The line at the pharmacy is ridiculously long, and their number in the queue so very far away. But the speaker calling out the numbers gives Kelly an idea and he suspects it’s heard in the toilets as well. With a tilt of his head, he has Matt following him to the men’s room.

They have to wait for the single stall to be vacated, Kelly busies himself with washing his hands to hide his erection when a man comes out of the stall. Just as he disappears through the door, Matt yanks Kelly by the shirt into the stall, pulling him against him in a hot kiss.

They can feel each other through their clothes, as they press against each other. Soon Kelly’s hands come to fiddle with Matt’s buttons, his cold hand sliding against the muscles of his abdomen making Matt huff with surprise. Then Kelly unbuttons both of their pants, aligning their erections against each other, and leans in to trap them between their bodies. His right hand comes to tug at Matt’s hair as he pulls him back into a kiss, while his left hand slips behind Matt’s thigh to pull it up around him, as his hips start moving.

 _‘223’_ chimes the speaker as the line proceeds. Just four more numbers to go.

Their breathing becomes heavy and noisy as they rut against each other, their erections gliding wetly between the other’s cock and abdominal muscles, smearing them with precome. Kelly’s head sinks against Matt’s shoulder as he focuses on holding back against the pleasure. _“Don’t come,”_ he whispers against Matt skin, silently begging him to find it in himself to stop them on time.

 _‘225’_. Saved by the bell.

Kelly pulls himself back with a huff that turns into a breathy laugh at the sight of Matt. So on edge. Completely debauched and wrecked and wanting. His eyes closed, fingers rubbing harshly at his face, as he struggles to catch his breath and calm himself.

 _“I love you,”_ Kelly whispers, close to him again, having tucked himself in. _“Just more one stop.”_ He tries to encourage Matt. _“You okay?”_ he asks, his voice a tad worried at Matt’s lack of response.

 _“Yes,”_ Matt struggles to answer, his hand rising to find Kelly’s neck, opening his eyes. “ _you have to stop talking though, your voice is killing me.”_ He shuts his eyes tight when Kelly chuckles softly at his discomfort. _“Bastard. Go get my prescription before I come in fucking pants.”_ He pushes Kelly toward the door of the stall. _“You’re going to pay for this.”_ He whispers at Kelly’s back.

..

Their errand at the CFD headquarters is over quickly, and luckily, they don’t meet anyone they know on their way to the nearest toilet. Though they could technically head home, doing it at headquarters adds a sweet element of risk, they just can’t deny themselves.

 _“Turn around,”_ Kelly whispers after he’s opened both his and Matt’s pants, letting them rut themselves back to full erections.

 _“Kelly,”_ he can hear the tremor of fear in Matt’s voice. They’ve never taken it this far.

 _“Trust me,”_ he asks Matt, leaning in to kiss his lips softly, _“it’s not that.”_

Matt’s eyes search Kelly’s for a moment before he slowly turns around to face the wall. Kelly pulls Matt’s pants further down and takes himself in his hand. He hears Matt’s gasps as he parts Matt’s crack open and aligns himself along Matt’s it through his boxers. When he’s in place, his left hand sneaks into Matt’s boxer’s front, to cup around Matt’s cock. _“Ok?”_ he asks, resting his forehead against Matt’s nape. Matt leans a hand against the wall, bracing himself for Kelly’s movement.

 _“Yeah,”_ he answers breathily.

_“Tell me to stop, if you don’t like it, okay?”_

_“Hmm,”_ Matt answers, now impatient for Kelly to start moving. Kelly’s hand is hot against his cock, and he can feel Kelly’s cock pulsing between his buttocks.

Kelly begins slowly, letting Matt get used to the feeling of him against his ass. When he leans his hips in, his cock grazes Matt’s anus, making him gasp and then moan. His hips jerk back against Kelly, seeking more friction.

 _“Good?”_ Kelly whispers into his ear, and Matt’s head falls back against his shoulder in answer, pushing his hard cock further into Kelly’s hand. Kelly takes the opportunity to attack Matt’s exposed neck and pulse point with his lips and teeth.

 _“Perfect,”_ Matt mutters, lost in pleasure, as Kelly ruts against him, creating friction on both his front and his backside _. “You’re perfect.”_

Kelly can feel a shudder running up Matt’s spine, letting him know he’s coming close again. _“Hold it,”_ he whispers, slowing his ministrations back to a standstill but not letting go of Matt. _“You are perfect too. And you’re doing so well. We just need to get you home, and I’ll let you come, I promise.”_

Slowly he untangles their bodies, setting their clothes back in order.

 _“Wait,”_ Matt tugs on his shirt as he’s about to leave the stall. He pulls him in for a kiss. A Matt Casey kiss. Slow and tentative and seeking, filled with curiosity and promise and just the slightest of teeth. A kiss that turns on every nerve in Kelly’s body. Kelly can feel Matt’s smile spread against his lips as he feels his affected state. _“Mmmmm, home,”_ Matt mumbles wickedly on his lips before letting go and smirking at Kelly’s lost and hungry look.

..

Matt pounces on him the moment they step inside, pushing Kelly against the wall and pulling at his clothes trying to get him naked as fast a possible. Kelly can’t help but laugh through his kisses at Matt’s desperate tugging.

 _“Slow down,”_ he says as he pulls Matt to him, his arms circling around him, holding him in place.

 _“I can’t,”_ Matt practically whines. _“you’ve stretched it long enough, I want to come. I need to come, please Kelly.”_ Absentmindedly he rubs his hips against Kelly.

 _“Okay,”_ Kelly’s fingers move to slowly undo the button of Matt shirt. _“I’m going to give you a few options, and you can decide where and how you’d like to come. How does that sound?”_

 _“Slow,”_ Matt grunts, _“but I’ll bite. Go on.”_

 _“Option one: here, quick, with our hands.”_ he peels Matt’s shirt from him and kneels down in front of him to take off his shoes. _“Option two:_ _in the shower with my tongue.”_ Matt has to hold on to Kelly’s head to balance himself. He tells himself it’s because Kelly is tugging at his socks, and not because he feels weak in the knees at Kelly’s words. _“Option three, in bed after a quick shower, with my fingers and then my cock inside you. Your choice,”_ Kelly gets up and moves to open Matt’s pants, letting them slide to the floor along with his boxers.

 _“Bed, bed,”_ Matt pants, standing stark naked and hard in their living room. _“your cock.”_ He says as he pulls Kelly against him, his fingers resuming their attempt on Kelly’s buttons.

_“You sure?”_

_“Yes. I want you. Have wanted you for a while now. We’ve waited long enough. This is happening Kelly.”_

_“Okay,”_ Kelly chuckles as Matt’s determination and helps him get rid of the rest of his clothes. _“let’s get you clean then.”_

_._

It was meant to be a quick shower, just to make sure they were both clean and comfortable. But they were both already so turned on, and naked, unable to keep their hands off each other under the current of hot water. Kelly somehow finds himself on his knees again, this time tending to Matt’s ass rather than his penis.

 _“Oh,”_ Matt whimpers as Kelly’s tongue nudges again against his hole. He’s never felt anything like it, but he can’t say he doesn’t like it. The thought of Kelly inside him, even only with the tip of his tongue, drives him to the edge. _“Kelly, stop, stop,”_ he pants frantically, his hand flailing to push Kelly away, his head hot against the cool tiles. He can feel Kelly’s questioning look, wondering if he’d hurt Matt in any way _. “I’m going to come right here and now if you don’t stop,”_ Matt explains.

 _“Bed,”_ Kelly orders, turning off the tap and stepping out of the shower to find towels for both of them. He wraps Matt in a large warm towel, Matt’s body weak with want. He holds him close for a moment, letting him settle down again. _“Matt,”_ Kelly calls his name softly trying for his attention, but Matt doesn’t raise his head from Kelly’s shoulder. _“Matt, you with me?”_

 _“Mmmm,”_ Matt responds, just barely.

 _“Come to the bed,”_ Kelly tells, leading him by the hand. “what do you want?” he asks as he sits on the bed, holding Matt as he stands between Kelly’s legs.

 _“You,”_ Matt answers, his arms on Kelly’s shoulders, his forehead resting on Kelly’s, his eyes closed.

 _“I think we might have a problem,”_ Kelly talks to him softly, _“you may be too far gone, and I need to open you with my fingers first.”_

Matt shivers lightly in the cold air of the room, but it also makes him more aware, brings him back to his senses. _“I’ll hold,”_ he says, determination in his voice.

_“Yeah?”_

_“Yeah,”_ He kisses Kelly, _“come on.”_ He moves to take the lube out of the drawer next to the bed, his fingers grazing a box of condoms. He takes it out and looks between Kelly and the box.

 _“Yes,”_ Kelly says not leaving any place for doubt.

_“Why? we’re both clean, monogamous, safe…”_

_“It’s your first time, Matt.”_

_“So?”_

_“So, you’re more prone to tears and bruising of the tissues, it’s more dangerous for you. And it’d make me feel better, safer, okay?”_

_“Okay.” Matt relents, though he doesn’t necessarily like it._

_“I don’t want to hurt you. I never want to hurt you again,”_ Kelly adds when he hears the tone of Matt’s voice, his own voice a bit unstable.

 _“You won’t.”_ Matt cups Kelly’s face, rubbing their noses together, _“I trust you. and you’ll use a condom. Now enough stalling. I want this, I deserve this,”_ his tone becomes lighter, reminding them both that they’re supposed to be celebrating. _“I’ve earned it.”_

 _“That you have,”_ Kelly agrees with a smile, pulling Matt down to the bed and taking the lube from him. _“On your stomach,”_ he says as he sets down a pillow, tapping it where Matt should lay his hips. Matt eagerly follows his directions.

To his surprise, Kelly doesn’t immediately cover him with lube. Now, straddling his thighs, he takes his time to kiss down Matt’s nape and spine, his hands caressing his skin, letting him relax back into their intimacy. Eventually, his kisses lead back down Matt’s backside, Kelly’s tongue resuming its prodding, now moving down Matt’s crack all the way find his balls. Matt moans into the pillow when Kelly takes one of his testicles into his mouth.

“This will be a bit cold,” he warns, as he smears his finger with lube, starting at the top and letting it makes its way down Matt’s ass, following the path of his tongue. Gradually he adds more lube, working on Matt’s muscles, making Matt moan with pleasure as he teases his hole. Matt tries to hold himself from rutting against the mattress, knowing, in his state, it’ll finish him off.

 _“Oh my god,”_ He gasps as he feels Kelly’s fingertip push through the tight ring of his anus _,_ and Kelly freezes scared Matt’s uncomfortable. _“No, don’t stop, go on,”_ Matt grunts impatiently, moving to further impale himself on Kelly’s finger.

_“Whoa, Matt, wait,”_

_“No, Kelly, come on, aghhh,”_ he cries when his wiggling causes Kelly’s finger to brush against his prostate. _“What was that?”_

_“That was your prostate. Good?”_

_“Fucking incredible, add another finger”_ Matt pleas and Kelly obeys, carefully adding a second finger, and wiggling both fingers around, pumping them in and out until Matt feels comfortable again. _“More,”_ he begs, and Kelly complies.

 _“Enough Kelly, enough fingers,”_ Matt begs after another few minutes in which his body has accommodated three of Kelly’s fingers. _“Now you, your cock, please,”_

Kelly quickly puts a condom on and smears himself with lube, adding another smudge along Matt’s opening. He then moves to flip Matt on his back, muttering an answer to Matt’s surprise _“I want to see you,”_ before kissing his lips _._ Kelly settles himself between Matt’s legs and then braces himself on his arm above Matt _. “Ready?”_ he asks, making sure one last time, and he watches Matt’s panted nod under him.   
Slowly he pushes against Matt, feeling the tightness and the heat of his hole, and the slickness and the cold of the lube. It makes his mind go fuzzy, and he has to focus his breathing. Matt scrunches his nose and closes his eyes at the sensation. Then he bites his lip and arches his back and welcomes Kelly in, with a long exhale.

 _“Oh, Kelly,”_ he gasps, and open his eyes to find Kelly’s blue gaze above him.

 _“You’re so tight,”_ Kelly pants, _“and so beautiful, and so perfect,”_

Then Matt’s hand comes and pushes at Kelly’s thigh, and slides him all the way in and they both moan on an exhale and giggle with the feeling of relief and pleasure.

Matt stretches his arms up towards Kelly, grabbing his head and bringing their faces together for a kiss, making Kelly start to move inside him. They kiss their way through the pleasure, Kelly covering Matt’s face and forehead and neck with kisses, and Matt holding him tight around the shoulders as they rock with Kelly thrusts, evoking a pleasure Matt never has never experienced before. He can feel the orgasm building within, knowing he’s holding back the four times he hadn’t come. He feels Kelly swell and pulse inside him, with the promise of release.

 _“Kelly,”_ he mutters, hoping Kelly will understand. And of course, he does, his blue gaze finds Matt’s eyes, drowning Matt further into his pleasure, erasing the world and everything else except the heat in his groin and Kelly’s weight against him, his hand circling his cock, forming  a ring for Matt to fuck through with friction, he feels a part of Kelly, as if they’re the perfect extension of each other, and it feels like his whole body is singing with heat, pitch notes he’s never reached before, and then there’s release, and he's flying or falling, safe in Kelly’s arms, waves of warmth pulsing through him, coursing through his body, and somewhere he feels Kelly stilling, then tightening then relaxing, groaning, laughing; he’s the one laughing, no - giggling, like a harmony in his ears, and then Kelly’s lips are at his ears, and he's empty again and can curl his body into Kelly’s warmth and let his head rest and his eyes rest, and only his lips kiss Kelly’s chest, kiss, kiss, kiss, his arm around him, and they’re covered in the duvet and it’s warm and safe, and Kelly.


	11. DECISIONS

**11 | DECISIONS**

_“Matt, there’s a letter for you...”_ Severide says as he comes in, back from his shift. He studies Matt as he reads the letter, can see the emotions rippling across his face before they vanish behind his calm features. _“What is it, Matt?”_

_“It’s the date of the CFD’s next physical test, to see if I can go back to work.”_

_“Oh, when is it?”_

_“Three weeks.”_

_“And?”_

_“And what?”_

_“I thought you’d be happier about this. Excited to go back to work.”_

_“Um,”_

_“What, you don’t think you’ll pass? You’ve been working your ass off, you might be in better shape than I am.”_

Matt grins at the compliment, his eyes sparkle shortly at the thought how far he’s come in the past six weeks since the Christmas ball. His weight having stabilized, he’d plunged himself into a fitness regime, determined to rid himself of his physical weakness. He hated being weak and dependable, couldn't recognize himself in the feeble, helpless figure he’d become. It’s not who he was, not who he wanted to be, not what his past had formed him to be.

As much as Kelly tried to support him and shower him with acceptance, affection, and love, the poor state reflected back to him in the mirror, only deepened his self-loathing. He felt ashamed at his state, humiliated and embarrassed by his inabilities, by his dependency and needs. The thought that Kelly deserves better, that eventually Kelly would grow tired of his powerlessness and leave him, set Matt into a petrified frenzy to rebuild himself, physically at least. It was the source of many an argument between them; Matt wanting to be better for Kelly, stronger, independent, be the man Kelly had fallen in love with, and not this broken man (just barely) standing before him. While Kelly tried his best to placate Matt’s fears, assure him he’s not going anywhere and make sure he doesn’t overdo it.

But Matt was determined, insistent, adamant even because despite his body being stronger, his mind was still playing tricks on him. Though the days were better, his concentration improved, his head more aware and sharp, he still suffered from nightmares and flashbacks, he was still jumpy at times, and secretly, he still feared going back to facing live fires.

 _“Matt? Where d’you go?”_ Kelly’s voice wakes him from his thoughts.

_“What?” of course I can pass.”_

_“But?”_ Kelly can see the sheer fear in Matt's eyes as he thinks about his answer. He hopes Matt won’t close down and dismiss him.

 _“I’m not sure I want to,”_ Matt whispers, his cheeks reddening slightly.

_“What do you mean? You’ve been working so hard for this, pushing yourself, driving both of us crazy.”_

_“I, I wanted to get better, for you, for us, for me. but I don’t think I can go back, Kelly. To the fires.”_

_“Okay,”_ Kelly says, surprised, overwhelmed, searching for words to support Matt. “ _You sure though, you’re giving up the CFD? Have you talked to anyone about this?”_

_“No, I haven’t, and I’m not sure. I just, I don’t know, maybe it’s silly.”_

_“No, no Matt, it’s not. If you don’t feel ready, it’s not silly. This job cannot be done in doubt, you know that. And no one will hold it against you if you don’t come back. But there are other options in the CFD, you don’t have to leave entirely.”_

_“What? A desk job?”_

_“Well, it’s not that bad. I know we always disregard it, but that’s just us being pompous assholes. And deep down, we’ve both considered the possibility before. I know being part of the CFD is important to you, and this way you don’t have to give it up. It’s a good option - comfortable conditions that will enable you to go on doing important work that you value._

_“And with your experience and knowledge, I’m sure Arson would be happy to take you. You can be an investigator, go on scenes… it’s not all desk, and we both know what a huge difference a good investigator can make.”_

Matt takes a moment to think about Kelly suggestion, his eyes never leaving Kelly’s. It’s not that he hadn’t thought about it, but they’ve always been so against it, he doesn’t dare consider it seriously. _“You wouldn’t mind?”_

 _“Matt,”_ Kelly steps forward, taking Matt's face in his hands, his brow serious, _“there are only three things I care about concerning you. One is that you’re alive. The second is that you're safe. The third is that you’re happy. I don’t care what you do, as long as those three things are fulfilled. I love you, Matt. I will stand beside you whatever your decision is, even if you chose to leave the CFD.”_

_“I love you too.”_

_“That’s good to hear,”_ Kelly smirks as he leans in to kiss Matt. _“Now, how ’bout we forget about this for a while, and we go work on your stamina?”_

 _“Stamina, huh?”_ Matt quips, his lips never leaving Kelly’s, _“well, it is listed as a condition on the CFD’s physical.”_

 _“All for the cause, Matt,”_ Kelly answers cheekily, his hands already moving to rid Matt of his shirt as he guides them to their bedroom. _“all for the cause.”_


	12. DONE

**12 | DONE**

Kelly wakes up to the sound of a camera shutter _. “What are you up to?”_ he grumbles, rubbing his eyes.

 _“You had the cutest smile, I couldn’t resist. Look,”_ Matt holds up his phone, for Kelly to see the picture he’d taken.

 _“I was dreaming. It was beautiful, Matt. We were old, like 70 or 80 years old, and wrinkly, and dressed in heavy winter gear. And we were coming out of a restaurant and getting into our car to drive home._ ” His finger comes to ghost over Matt’s cheekbone. _“And I looked at you, and you were still as beautiful as you are today, and I could feel my love for you pulsing inside me, and all I cared about was to make sure you were okay - warm enough, healthy, safe, happy. I hope I didn’t jinx it by telling you.”_

 _“Marry me,”_ Matt says as he pulls himself flush against Kelly’s side. It’s the simplest request he’s ever uttered.

_“You know, you’ve been mumbling that in your sleep these past few months. I didn’t know what to make of it. You never seem to remember it when you’re awake.”_

_“Well, I’m very much awake now, and I’m asking you to marry me. I want that, what you just described, I want to make you happy and keep you warm when we’re old and wrinkly. I don’t want to wait. So, help me make that dream come true and marry me. Please.”_

_“You really need that? The whole official marriage thing? Or are we talking more about a commitment thing, commitment ceremony?”_

_“I’m not sure really. I mean, making it official will help with bureaucracy, but that’s not what I mean. Though I would like to show the world I’m yours.”_

_“How about this,”_ Kelly says, opening the drawer of his nightstand, taking out a small box. Matt’s breath catches in his lungs, though he’s not sure what he’s seeing. When Kelly opens the box, two rings shine in the morning light. 

 _“How about we do our own ceremony, right here in bed. Every morning, if you want, I’ll tell what you mean to me, how I can’t get through the day without hearing your voice and seeing your blue eyes. How your smile makes me feel warm and safe even in the most horrible of circumstances. How your touch sets my skin and my heart on fire, and your laughter is the sweetest, most calming and exciting sound I know.”_ Taking Matt’s hand in his, Kelly slowly slips the ring onto his finger, his blue eyes searing in Matt’s. _  
“I vow to devote my days to make you happy and keep you laughing, Matt, to keep you safe and healthy. I’ll devote my nights to keep you warm and satisfied. To hold you and console you if you need, to let you do the same for me. To see you shine, and soar, and experience everything with you. To be your family, and to have you as mine. To grow with you and learn with you and love you, Matt. Every moment of every day.”_

Not knowing what to say, words failing him to answer, Matt seals Kelly’s gesture with a kiss, his hand holding Kelly’s against his racing heart, as he pours his awe and excitement, gratitude and love onto Kelly’s warm lips. He can’t seem to get enough, close enough, deep enough, to drown Kelly in the feelings overwhelming him. Kelly can feel him shaking lightly in his arms.

 _“My turn, my turn,”_ Matt mumbles eventually, his lips still connected to Kelly’s, his hand fumbling for the box with the other ring. _“Kelly,”_ he pants, his eyes on the ring now twirling between his fingers. _“Kelly,”_ he tries to calm himself down, to get some bearings on his feelings. _“Kelly,”_ to set his jumbled mind in some order to enable him to speak. And then his eyes find Kelly’s face, his blue eyes, and everything becomes clear.  _“You’ve saved my life, more than once, in more ways than one. You’ve saved me from fires, from ledges and bombs, from myself and my pain. You brought me back to life when you came back to me, to be mine._

_“You’ve given me a place in the world, Kelly, in your heart. A place that, growing up, I could only hope for and dream about, but could never really imagine. Accepting me for who I am, and how I am, unconditionally. Loving me for it._ _You’ve shown me what it means to have a family. You’ve shown me what honesty is, and sharing. You’ve brought me to discover who I am, and you stand by me on my journey. You’ve taught me to ask for help and allow myself to lean on you for support._ _You’ve beat my loneliness, Kelly. My heart beats to the thought of you, to the love I see in your eyes, and I hear in your words and I feel in your touch.”_

Kelly’s hand comes to wipe a tear rolling down Matt’s cheek, and Matt bursts into a short laughter at being taken care of during his vows. Taking Kelly’s hand from his cheeks, he kisses his palm before slowly slipping the ring onto Kelly's finger. _“I vow, to dedicate my life, every moment of every day, to do the same for you, Kelly Severide. To support you with your dreams and wishes, to hold you when you’re scared, to accept you always and to love you. Endlessly. Especially when we’re old and wrinkly. You already are my family, Kelly, and I’m honoured to be yours.”_

_._

_“See, husband, done.”_ Kelly's eyes sparkle at his words as they lie in each other’s arms, their bodies entwined, having moved from words to actions to consummate their love and their vows.

 _“Mmmmm. Husband,”_ Matt tastes the word on his tongue, his fingers smoothing along the ring on Kelly’s finger _. “This is a great ceremony to start every day with,”_ Matt smiles and stretches. _“A bit long maybe, but totally worth it.”_ he quips as his lips move to kiss along Kelly’s chest.

 _“I agree.”_ Kelly answers, _“We’ll just have to set our alarm for half an hour earlier every day.”_

 _“Better make that an hour,”_ Matt whispers as his lips become distracted again with Kelly’s skin.

****_Fin.  
  
_


End file.
